Self-hatred has no purpose, although you can give it any meaning you choose. Self-hatred is not our natural state. It is learned, and it exists because of habitual patterns of thought.
Two of the most common fears humans experience are: I’m not good enough; (and because I’m not good enough) I won’t be loved.
Almost every other fear a person might experience can be traced to those two root fears. Most people learn this fear as a child. As a child when you came into the world, you were totally dependent on the people around you to nurture, raise you, and teach you how to be in the world. You observed how the people around you reacted and responded to others and their environment. You were socialized. Your parents or guardians would say, “Do this. Don’t do that. This is good. That is bad.” And in your little mind, you made all kinds of beliefs and decisions about how you should be and how you should behave, and which of your behaviors would be rewarded and which would be punished.
As a result, most people, most of the time, learn to suppress natural feelings and instincts and instead behave according to this socialization. Each person responds differently, and some people (maybe because of their personality or environment) have a greater tendency to suppress their natural feelings and instincts to conform to what they believe others expect of them.
Self-hatred is an extreme example of suppression. It’s not allowing natural self-expression. Over time, when a person consistently suppresses their natural feelings, it can lead to self-doubt, lack of self-worth, and in the extreme, self-hatred.
When someone is stuck in a pattern of suppression and self-hatred, they have lost sight of the grandeur and magnificence of who they really are. Instead, they have identified with the ego – the mental chatter – and they believe that’s all they are. Who you really are is so much greater than your mind, or that little voice inside your head. “Who you really are” is whole and complete and completely loveable and loved, and absolutely worthy. That is your birthright.
And as you remember that, you can train your thoughts out of self-hatred and into empowering thoughts of self-love. Whatever you feed grows; whatever you starve dies. It’s like going to the gym. If you haven’t worked out in a while, your muscles might be weak at first. But if you go to the gym everyday, those muscles will quickly regain their strength. It’s the same with your thinking.
Identify any patterns of negative thoughts. If there’s a negative thought that you keep thinking, catch yourself. And each time you catch yourself – make a conscious effort to replace that thought with an empowering thought. And if you find that challenging, begin by asking questions, like, “What else could this mean?”
Empowering questions are an excellent way to change old thinking and discover greater self-love. You can ask, “What can I do right now to be even more gentle with me? What can I do right now to feel just a little bit better in this moment? What is one thing I appreciate about myself? What am I grateful for?” And if the brain says, “Nothing,” then ask, “If I was grateful for something, what would it be? What could I be grateful for? What could I appreciate, if I were to appreciate something?”
Keep asking these questions like a mantra, over and over and over again throughout the day. When you ask these questions, ask with openness, receptivity and sincerity. When you continually ask these questions, you will begin to notice things that you can love about yourself and even more ways that you can show yourself that love and appreciation.
It’s important to know that no one, and no thing outside of you has the power to bring you love or fulfillment. These are gifts you give yourself. Because, remember…
When you change, the world around you changes – You have that much power!
Love & Blessings,
Niurka
P.S. – Check out our newest multimedia set, How to Forgive & Let Go. It guides you through a specific meditation to forgive yourself and let go of old distorted self-perceptions and embrace the clarity, beauty and power that is your natural state. It also has a powerful teaching about the power of forgiveness. Anyone who experiences self-doubt or self-hatred should absolutely listen to this profound teaching and go through the meditation. It works!
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