Human behavior is predictable. History repeats itself and the same is true in our relationships. As is predicatible, people often become defensive when they feel they are put in the wrong. Here are five effective ways to remold or avoid the cycles of contention.
In order to give excellent feedback, a person must first take responsibility for the way thier words land in someone else’s universe. When giving feedback, keep in mind the powers of FESSTO. FESSTO is Frequent, Empowering, Sincere, Specific, Timely, and Objective. FESSTO qualities are to always be kept in mind.
The communication must be without delay (frequent), positive (empowering), supportive with concrete exmples (sincere and specific), usually in private (timely), and without anger or condescendence (objectivity).In order to both achieve excellence and strengthen interpersonal bonds, a four-step process is the best to follow.
First, open the conversation with a SINCERE compliment. A unique compliment is ideal but most important is that what is said is sincere. If any dishonesty is percieved, the openess that needs to be created by making another person feel good is lost.
Be wary not to transition into the point of critique using the word “but…”. This negates the positive compliment from before, therefore closing down receptivity. Instead use the word “and..”. Approach the change that needs to be made as an opportunity for improvement, NOT a “problem”. The entire effort goes downhill as soon as a person goes on the defensive. Warning signs include denying, minimizing, justifying, or blaming the problem on others.
Don’t stop there! Confirm the change that needs to be made. An example statement is “How do you see yourself doing this at the next opportunity?”. This vital step is essential for two reasons. One, it materializes the concept into action. In this spirit, get time and dates for the accomplishment of the change. Two, it clarifies the message. A surprising number of times, what one person believes to have conveyed flawlessly is recieved by the other person quite differently.
Leave the interaction on an overall positive note. Emphasize the person’s power to achieve a different result the next time. The feedback steps with FESSTO is the best way for all to achieve their potential.
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