The “I’m Going to Change, EXCEPT…” Syndrome
“Change is inevitable; Growth is optional.” – John C. Maxwell
It’s January 1st and you’ve just settled in with a warm cup of tea and your journal (or device with a keyboard). Today is the day you’re going to capture the goals you’re going to crush this year. And at the top of the list for the 4th year in a row is…to lose weight.
You’re committed to doing it this time once and for all. But there’s this voice in the back of your mind that keeps saying, “If I lose weight, I’ll look sexy, and I’ll get into a relationship, but relationships = pain. So, I’m fine right where I’m at.”
OR, you’re determined to stop smoking.
But smoking helps you relax; it provides some form of certainty and a means of connecting with others who practice this habit.
So, each year you do this loop, this Crazy 8, where you want to change, but in your subconscious mind, you associate more pain to changing than the opportunity to live in a higher vibration.
The good news is, you’re not alone and there is a Solution!
HI! Niurka here. I’m delighted to guide you through this state of being STUCK (in this blog) and take you to a place where optional growth actually takes place as you bust through any beliefs that are debilitating you from moving forward. Where the Gain is Bigger than the pain.
We’re going to explore a concept known as Secondary Gain, which is a subconscious blueprint that has brought some benefit over the years (like smoking or overeating) but at a HEFTY cost. Like a life-long friend, with whom you no longer share the same values or commonalities, it may be time to bless away the Secondary Gain once and for all.
Perhaps there’s something in your life that you’ve wanted to release, change or modify, such as our examples (losing weight, stopping smoking); these habits have (up until now) provided some sort of benefit – the Secondary Gain – which is why you are still clinging on to that pattern or behavior.
If you are holding on to an old pattern or belief, such as…
- Relationships = pain
- Weight = protection
- Playing small = safety
It’s because you associate more PAIN to changing vs. PLEASURE from the awesomeness in store on the other side of your TRANSFORMATION. This (complex equivalence) causes Self Sabotage.
In other words…
You consciously want to initiate change in your life, but there’s something lurking subconsciously (at a cellular level) that’s sabotaging you, preventing you from making change happen, and this is known as: Secondary Gain. It’s the “reason” we hold on to destructive, limiting patterns, behaviors and/or beliefs.
Can you relate?
Now let’s take a look into the future.
If you take a sneak peak at your life 5 years from now, 10 years from now, 20 years from now, living with the same pattern or behavior… Really pause, and consider…
What would the quality of your life look like if you don’t change?
What would you have missed out on?
Who would no longer be in your life?
Who would you have become…someone you’re proud of, or ashamed of?
An opening question that I ask clients and students who say they want to change, is:
Trust your intuitive wisdom. Would it be okay for you to LET GO of:
________________________________ (undesired behavior) and to integrate
________________________________ (chosen, desired behavior) Yes or No?
It’s Essential that the response is an absolute congruent YES! Anything less than YES! likely means secondary gain is lurking.
If the answer is a Congruent YES, without hesitation, it sets the stage for you to Powerfully Move Forward and create lasting change. In other words, ALL OF YOU is coherently on the same page to Create Intentional CHANGE, and this presupposes Success.
BUT, sometimes people don’t respond with “YES!” Sometimes they say “NO!” or they say things like…
- I think so
- That would be nice
AND, it’s not just the word “YES” or “NO”… It’s the ENERGY, and Belief fueling that Declaration.
If the answer is NO, or if you’re really not solid with Yes (the energy you exude when responding reveals all) then it will take a bit of exploring to identify the root-cause of the destructive pattern or belief holding you back. And, WE can ABSOLUTELY accomplish this TOGETHER in one of my live courses.
It’s likely something in your past – it could even be in the womb before you were born, or carried down genealogically – that you have associated with, and is preventing you from LETTING GO of Secondary Gain, causing self sabotage.
Research has found that people born to mothers who were pregnant during famine are more likely to be obese as adults. Think about it! It’s like the cells are going, “Whoa!!! Hold onto the fat! We don’t know when we’ll get another meal!!!” Now consciously, we know there are abundant food options, but subconsciously (the cells in the body) have not caught up with this new reality. Make sense?
Consider… Where is Secondary Gain showing up in your life? Share with me in the comments. YOUR Words Have Power to Inspire Others to Share and Elevate Their Life Too! WE are in this TOGETHER! I’m excited to connect with you in the comments section below, and personally respond to you. Let me know what old pattern has been showing up that doesn’t serve you. And, share with me… Are you ready to LET IT GO right now? YES or No?!
How inspired would you be to shed and transcend old patterns and beliefs right now?!
Secondary Gain isn’t the “problem.” Actually, Secondary Gain has a positive intention. All along, your subconscious mind has been trying to give you a benefit (i.e., holding onto weight = protection), but it’s outdated, like clunky old software that requires an update.
As soon as the part of you that embraces Secondary Gain realizes it can meet its’ highest intention in new, healthful ways, it connects the dots and instantly releases the old habits and creates space for your growth and expansion. And you will experience living in a higher vibration.
So, pause for a moment and GET CURIOUS.
Tune in to the part of you that has held on to this old behavior and gently ask yourself:
- How has this behavior benefited me in the past? How has it served me?
It’ll take a little digging and soul searching to discover the deeper subconscious benefits. After you’ve created the list, ask yourself the next key question.
- If you knew with certainty that the highest intention of the old behavior would be met – in new healthful ways – would you be willing to release the old behavior right here, right now within every cell of your being?
If the answer is a resounding YES! that means you’re ready to Quantum Leap! If it is not a congruent YES yet, that’s okay. We just have a little deeper work to do.
Just imagine what it would feel like to actually blast through those destructive patterns and behaviors, and to replace the old patterns with something fresh and invigorating to lead you to the fulfilling life you desire. To feel a sense of freedom, of pride, of progression, knowing your life is going to be lighter and brighter and illuminate all the people you touch.
This broad and simplified lesson in Transcending Secondary Gain, provides an overview of the realm of ultimate possibility. If you are ready to no longer settle, and desire to do some deeper work to Transform Your Life and Overcome Self Sabotage for good, join me in the cultural paradise of Ashland, Oregon on May 30-June 2 for NeoGenesis…for New Beginnings… YOUR New Beginnings.
At NeoGenesis, we’ll discover what fuels your behavior at the deepest level of your subconscious mind. In this space of awareness, you’ll perceive yourself, others and the world with fresh eyes and energy, releasing unresourceful patterns, such as Secondary Gain, that no longer serve you.
When we identify the underlying motivation that drives our results, it Liberates us to Lead a Life of Purpose and Fulfillment.
NeoGenesis is a 4-day transformational experience that will guide you to create a new
beginning in any area of life that you choose.
This is a journey of alchemy that empowers you to LET GO of the past and clear the way for you to powerfully step into your brilliant future now with purpose, joy and passion.
If you want to change your life and begin a metamorphosis of personal evolution, Register Now to hold your space: https://www.niurkainc.com/neogenesis
Use the special code: PhoenixRise to receive 20% off your tuition.
Because of the intimate nature of the work that we will be doing, space is limited, so be sure to sign up now and begin to Empower Your Life Today. I’m delighted to share this sacred time with you soon.
Be sure to leave a comment below. Share with me 🙂 I’m inspired to hear YOUR VOICE! Your VOICE Matters. Your Comments Matter. They have Immense Power to INSPIRE everyone who sees and hears your sharing.
And, if you have a friend or family member who feels stuck or blocked, do them a favor, and send them this blog too. They’ll be sooo grateful you did!